1997-Frank Czarnik stands at second base during the formation and draft for our new softball league, thereby becoming team #2.
1998-Louie Cumbo recruits me for the Grumpies. We play a game televised by Channel 6, DVD or VHS available upon request, and stink up the joint, losing to a team having a losing record. After that we win the championship when Bobby Ruth gets the game winning hit, so we named a candy bar after him.
1999-I tore my ACL playing over 50 basketball so I did not participate, but Rob Bergmann joins the team and leads them to the finals.
2002- Our mediocre record did not qualify for the playoffs outright, we had to win a play-in game just to get into the playoffs, which we did, and then marched thru the playoffs like Sherman went thru Georgia, and then upset a powerful Code Blue team in a televised Channel 6 finals, DVD or VHS available upon request.
2004- We had the best team, but in the playoffs in the last inning we had a good rally going and I came up with 1 out and the bases loaded, one run down, I had been batting very well so it was hangin time, they knew it, and I knew it, and I aimed a liner to the right of the second baseman, but the short center anticipated it and moved over to that gap and made a reaching catch for a double play, and just like that, rally over, game over, season over, have a nice winter, see you next spring.
2005- We lost only one game all year 5-3 to the undefeated Chicago Classics team, but we got our revenge against them in the playoff championship game, the last out being a shot down the first base line bouncing high off Fred Klaus' foot, so I ran over to cover first base, but as I got there the ball came down right to me as I caught it and stepped on first base for the final out, I can still hear the crowd screaming.
2006- In the semifinals, we are down big to a team of ringers, and they are about to add to their lead with the bases loaded and their best ringer at bat, who was 3 for 3, nothing shorter than a triple. It was hangin time, we knew it, they knew it, because I could not walk the guy or give my usual pitch to him, so I pitched it lefty, which caught him by surprise and I heard him gulp as he hit hit a hard one hopper to our second baseman Denny who made the play, inning over, and the surprised ringer could only utter sh*t 20 consecutive times as he headed to the dugout. We were still several runs down at the time, but the bottom of our order came thru in the last inning when all hope was almost gone with hit after hit to pull out an improbable win. After the final run scored I went to shake hands with the other team, who were so stunned that they had not yet moved from their defensive positions. Instead of saying the usual nice game, they only stared blankly into space emphatically uttering sh*t over and over. In the finals we were down to the Dawgs 3-0 late in the game, but Rob rescued us with two extra base hits to win the championship.
2007-In mid season, our manager since day 1, Frank Czarnik passed away. Things have never been the same since. We are all wearing commemorative patches on our sleeves in his memory. Despite a good start to the season, the latter part was missing Frank's passion so we finished poorly.
2008-every team has picked up newer younger stronger players, so we did not have much chance, but here is how it played out in the double elimination format...
After we beat FOG and lost to the Unknowns, a fight ensued between FOG and the 16 Inchers. The following day I received emails from FOG saying they were going to take legal action for assault and battery, and as commissioner if I did not find out who the other guy was, they were going to send the police after me too. So I had to decide if I would rather be behind bars or have to play against FOG again, so I flipped a coin, it came up heads meaning I gotta play FOG again. I was tempted to try 2 out of 3 flips, but I bit the bullet and called the FOG manager to get their side of the story. In the meantime they managed to get the identity of the attacker from other channels, so I was off the hook.
In the process of getting phone numbers, I looked at the FOG roster and some of the names sounded a little familiar, so I looked at the site for the 16 inch Softball Hall Of Fame and sure enough I found at least 4 of the FOG names are listed as Inductees. No wonder they have been kicking the crap out of everyone. That gave me cause to ponder, here we are, the depleted over the hill Grumpies, missing 6 players, avoiding forfeit only by unexpected duty from Wayne and Fred, having to face a nearly invincible team of much younger bigger and stronger Hall Of Famers, making me feel like Custer at the Little Big Horn, or the charge of the light brigade, or The Alamo, or Dunkirk, or Thermopylae, or opening day for the Dead Cougars (see separate post).
While I am pondering our fate, the rest of the Grumpies embraced the situation like Don Quixote, to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, to go where the brave dare not go, to give when there's no more to give, to fight with our last ounce of courage, etc etc, and when the dust settled we had somehow scratched out 2 more runs than they did. It did help that the wind was blowing in and FOG kept trying to hit the ball long, despite our outfielders being so deep they were like specks on the horizon. As a result of the Aug 25 double elimination carnage, we are one of only 3 teams left standing, to march into hell for a heavenly cause, to reach the unreachable star etc etc., the other two teams being FOG who subsequently kicked the crap out of the Classics and the 16 Inchers, and the Unknowns who are in the catbird seat as the only team remaining in the winners bracket, so someone will have to beat them twice to dream the impossible dream, to reach the unreachable star, etc etc.
Now we had to play FOG again, and this time I suspected we would have to face eleven hall of famers, seven of which we have never seen before. Nevertheless, this was our quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far, etc etc. Whatever happens, I am very proud of our team's attitude of damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. You guys are awesome.
As it turned out the FOG hall of famers really were the unbeatable foe, so it did not matter that we gave when there was no more to give, it was too hopeless, it was too far, etc etc, the star really was unreachable, the dream really was impossible, even the Unknowns found that out, but in light of the heightened level of competition I think our team overachieved. Not bad for us throwbacks.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
A First Time Pitcher
When I was younger I had some speed, so I was always banished to the wilderness of center field, far away from the fans. Like most young and foolish people trying to make a name for themselves, I was always jealous of our pitcher Golden Arm because all eyes were on him for every pitch, striking his godlike pose on the mound with a defiant smirk on his face that made Charlton Heston look like a wimp. I figure this must be why Golden Arm is so popular with the ladies, so I was hoping someday maybe I would get a chance to try pitching, but I knew I would never get the chance as long as Golden Arm was around, because he had been pitching for a long time. Rumor has it that he was the one who taught Hoyt Wilhelm’s father how to throw a knuckleball.
On a hot muggy day in late July, my dream finally came true. We were playing the last place team and Golden Arm had such distain for them that he refused to waste his talents on them and risk fatiguing his golden arm, especially because it was hot and muggy, so he finally let me pitch. Ah yes, at last, my big chance. I figure if I can pitch a shutout, I might get to pitch more often. Since we were playing the last place team, several of our other players were also trying new positions, but nevertheless I had the utmost confidence that our fine athletes would be able to adapt to any position, except of course pitching, which today was mine alone.
Okay, here comes the first batter. How do you like my Charlton Heston stance? Here, see if you can hit this, you turkey….ah, an easy ground ball to our diminutive second baseman, which gallops merrily into right field after passing thru the tiny arch formed by his legs. I did not think a 16 inch softball could fit thru there. No problem, we will get the next guy. This time it is a grounder between first and second and these two infielders, gentlemen that they were, would not dream of getting in each other’s way, so they stand there looking at each other as the ball once again gallops merrily into right field. Aww, just throw the ball to second base…don’t throw it to third…he did not throw it to third, he threw it into the spectators. Well, there goes the shutout. Next comes an easy ground ball to the shortstop, and then you hear lots of ooohs and aaahs as this time the throw airmails the spectators. Another ground ball to the shortstop, and as he carefully lines up his throw, the ball slips out of his hands and rolls feebly back to the mound. I am getting dizzy watching runners circling the bases. At last a ground ball to the pitcher. I am not going to risk any more throws, so I run over to try to tag the runner who tries to slide at the same time and the other team thinks I knocked him down, so they began to call me some very vile names, and casting considerable doubt upon my ancestry.
A few innings later, the insults have died down and I have once again assumed my Charlton Heston stance, and the defense was rearranged to prevent a repeat of the first inning. Another slow ground ball between first and second. I notice the first baseman fielding the ball so I run over to cover first base. But then the first baseman runs toward the base to make the putout himself, and I foresee a 3 way collision coming up, so I stop short. Aww, what did you throw the ball to me for? Now the first baseman is all shook up and apologetic. It is becoming hard to look cool under these conditions. Next comes a hard grounder to the third baseman. Nice pickup, perfect throw. Our shook up first baseman drops it. Then comes a texas leaguer flyball to short left. Our left fielder makes a nice running catch and we have the runner doubled off first. Nice throw on one bounce to our shook up first baseman. Aww, don’t juggle it. By the time he gets it under control, he stretches too far and falls, pulling his foot off the base and the runner gets back safely. Another ground ball to third. Try for a double play. Good throw, but the second baseman trying to turn the double play, tries to throw it before he catches it and drops it. Another grounder to third. The third baseman starts to throw it to first, but I bellowed at the top of my lungs to step on the base instead, and he sheepishly tiptoes over to step on the bag to get the force. Now he was shook up too. Next inning we put him in the outfield where he drops two consecutive fly balls.
By now I am pinching myself hoping that this is only a nightmare. I am trying my best to make them hit the ball nowhere else but to the pitcher. An infield popup to our shook up first baseman, please please catch it! He did, he really caught it! Yes! I am so overjoyed that the first baseman is hacked off at me for being sarcastic, saying "You expected something else?" Our astute shortstop thinks this is pretty funny, so he is in hysterics. I never had to watch any plays anymore, all I had to do was listen to the shortstop. If he is laughing, the runner must have been safe for some reason, for which I could not bear to look. It is now the last inning, the bases are loaded, we are only up by one run, and there is only one out. One more base hit for them would win the game.
Even though my earned run average was still zero, Golden Arm had seen enough, so he calls himself out of the bullpen to put out the fire. The next batter smokes a hard line drive into the chest of our third baseman with a resounding thud, but he held on for the out, and then spent the rest of the game rubbing his chest with the facial expression of one who had just sucked a lemon. Two outs. The next batter hits a long one and our left fielder looks like a wide receiver on a post pattern as he stretches out to make a diving catch going away.
Game over. Golden Arm had put out the fire on just 2 pitches, and notified me that because I was not able to stop the other team, the experiment was over, my fate once again was to be banished forever into the wilderness of center field, while on the mound the ladies man would continue to do his thing.
When I was younger I had some speed, so I was always banished to the wilderness of center field, far away from the fans. Like most young and foolish people trying to make a name for themselves, I was always jealous of our pitcher Golden Arm because all eyes were on him for every pitch, striking his godlike pose on the mound with a defiant smirk on his face that made Charlton Heston look like a wimp. I figure this must be why Golden Arm is so popular with the ladies, so I was hoping someday maybe I would get a chance to try pitching, but I knew I would never get the chance as long as Golden Arm was around, because he had been pitching for a long time. Rumor has it that he was the one who taught Hoyt Wilhelm’s father how to throw a knuckleball.
On a hot muggy day in late July, my dream finally came true. We were playing the last place team and Golden Arm had such distain for them that he refused to waste his talents on them and risk fatiguing his golden arm, especially because it was hot and muggy, so he finally let me pitch. Ah yes, at last, my big chance. I figure if I can pitch a shutout, I might get to pitch more often. Since we were playing the last place team, several of our other players were also trying new positions, but nevertheless I had the utmost confidence that our fine athletes would be able to adapt to any position, except of course pitching, which today was mine alone.
Okay, here comes the first batter. How do you like my Charlton Heston stance? Here, see if you can hit this, you turkey….ah, an easy ground ball to our diminutive second baseman, which gallops merrily into right field after passing thru the tiny arch formed by his legs. I did not think a 16 inch softball could fit thru there. No problem, we will get the next guy. This time it is a grounder between first and second and these two infielders, gentlemen that they were, would not dream of getting in each other’s way, so they stand there looking at each other as the ball once again gallops merrily into right field. Aww, just throw the ball to second base…don’t throw it to third…he did not throw it to third, he threw it into the spectators. Well, there goes the shutout. Next comes an easy ground ball to the shortstop, and then you hear lots of ooohs and aaahs as this time the throw airmails the spectators. Another ground ball to the shortstop, and as he carefully lines up his throw, the ball slips out of his hands and rolls feebly back to the mound. I am getting dizzy watching runners circling the bases. At last a ground ball to the pitcher. I am not going to risk any more throws, so I run over to try to tag the runner who tries to slide at the same time and the other team thinks I knocked him down, so they began to call me some very vile names, and casting considerable doubt upon my ancestry.
A few innings later, the insults have died down and I have once again assumed my Charlton Heston stance, and the defense was rearranged to prevent a repeat of the first inning. Another slow ground ball between first and second. I notice the first baseman fielding the ball so I run over to cover first base. But then the first baseman runs toward the base to make the putout himself, and I foresee a 3 way collision coming up, so I stop short. Aww, what did you throw the ball to me for? Now the first baseman is all shook up and apologetic. It is becoming hard to look cool under these conditions. Next comes a hard grounder to the third baseman. Nice pickup, perfect throw. Our shook up first baseman drops it. Then comes a texas leaguer flyball to short left. Our left fielder makes a nice running catch and we have the runner doubled off first. Nice throw on one bounce to our shook up first baseman. Aww, don’t juggle it. By the time he gets it under control, he stretches too far and falls, pulling his foot off the base and the runner gets back safely. Another ground ball to third. Try for a double play. Good throw, but the second baseman trying to turn the double play, tries to throw it before he catches it and drops it. Another grounder to third. The third baseman starts to throw it to first, but I bellowed at the top of my lungs to step on the base instead, and he sheepishly tiptoes over to step on the bag to get the force. Now he was shook up too. Next inning we put him in the outfield where he drops two consecutive fly balls.
By now I am pinching myself hoping that this is only a nightmare. I am trying my best to make them hit the ball nowhere else but to the pitcher. An infield popup to our shook up first baseman, please please catch it! He did, he really caught it! Yes! I am so overjoyed that the first baseman is hacked off at me for being sarcastic, saying "You expected something else?" Our astute shortstop thinks this is pretty funny, so he is in hysterics. I never had to watch any plays anymore, all I had to do was listen to the shortstop. If he is laughing, the runner must have been safe for some reason, for which I could not bear to look. It is now the last inning, the bases are loaded, we are only up by one run, and there is only one out. One more base hit for them would win the game.
Even though my earned run average was still zero, Golden Arm had seen enough, so he calls himself out of the bullpen to put out the fire. The next batter smokes a hard line drive into the chest of our third baseman with a resounding thud, but he held on for the out, and then spent the rest of the game rubbing his chest with the facial expression of one who had just sucked a lemon. Two outs. The next batter hits a long one and our left fielder looks like a wide receiver on a post pattern as he stretches out to make a diving catch going away.
Game over. Golden Arm had put out the fire on just 2 pitches, and notified me that because I was not able to stop the other team, the experiment was over, my fate once again was to be banished forever into the wilderness of center field, while on the mound the ladies man would continue to do his thing.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Odyssey of the Maulers - Some crazy softball nights in 1976.
Our Maulers team qualified for the double elimination playoffs in both the Schaumburg and Mt Prospect leagues, and the schedules conflicted because we had lost a game to the McGaffers in the early rounds in Mt Prospect so we had to play in the losers bracker at 6pm and 9:30, and also that same night were scheduled to play in the winners bracket in Schaumburg at 7:30 and 8:30. Rather than forfeit any games we decided to play it by ear, so if one game was not going well we would just quit and head for the other town.
Our 6pm was against the Hoskins Chevy Satyrs, a team that had beaten us earlier during the season. Our strategy was to avoid any delays, no throwing the ball around between innings, no taking hittable pitches, and the Satyrs were wondering why we were acting so wierd and we told them our schedule plight. In the last inning, we had them beat and rather than finish the game they told us the game is over right now, wished us luck and told us to get to Schaumburg. We thanked them for that bit of class and raced to our cars, and luckily somehow made most of the stoplights, getting to Schaumburg only 4 minutes before forfeit time. No warmups, play ball. While we were still thanking the Satyrs for this lucky break, the Foxes pounced on us, showing no mercy, and forced us to come from behind with 3 runs in the last inning to tie the score. The game went 10 innings, and we finally won by one run.
We then had to choose whether to hang around for the next game or forfeit and head to Mt Prospect. Since it was double elimination we decided to take a forfeit. That gave us a little bit of time for our convoy to get to Mt Prospect, but every red light was excruciating while we watched the clocks tick away towards game time. We once again arrived 4 minutes before forfeit time, no warmups, play ball. Somehow we won another one run game against Scanda House, so incredibly we were still alive in both playoffs, albeit in the losers bracket in both places.
On the following night (fortunately no conflicts with Schaumburg that night) we had a chance to get revenge on the McGaffers who did us a favor knocking off our nemesis the Northbrook Jokers. We raced out to a big lead but the McGaffers stormed back yelling "they're getting tired" (they were right) and one of the spectators shut them up with one of the better retorts I had ever heard "Of course they're tired, you made them run around the bases 19 times". I will never forget one of the catches made by the McGaffers center fielder. One of our power hitters hit the gap in right center, and I could still envision the marginal convergence of ball and fielder who dove sideways, caught the ball just off the ground, somehow did a perfect somersault, and came up throwing. Way better than the Willie Mays catch.
We ended up winning by 2 runs to get to the Mt Prospect finals against legendary Jack Olson's Shooters/Scrappers, who breezed thru the winners bracket, thereby having no schedule problems, so we had to beat them twice due to the double elimination format. Jack had a way of pitching the ball right into the outfield lights so the batter could not see it. I told everyone to stand away from the plate, wait for the pitch to come out of the lights, and then take it to right field. It worked perfectly and we won both games handily. I got the game ball for that and it is still on display in my family room.
On the next day in Schaumburg, we fought our way thru the loser's bracket and guess who our opponents were for the finals the following night? It was the Shooters/Scrappers again, who had once again breezed thru the winners bracket, avoiding the schedule conflicts that we encountered. I thought I saw them roll their eyes as we showed up as their opponent. Clearly we had their number, and again we beat them twice to win both titles.
We were completely out of energy, but it no longer mattered, the season was over, and we had two improbable titles, and the beer never tasted any better. And to think if it were not for the class of the Satyrs, none of this this would probably ever have happened.
The Schaumburg league in the next few years had gained a reputation for being the most competitive in the suburbs. This attracted teams looking for better games, having been first place in their own town: Addison Freeloaders and Pacers, Dundee Wizards, Park Ridge Hardin Paving and Blue Chip Lounge, Crystal Lake Foxes, Palatine Crispy Critters, Elk Grove Stowaways, Chicago Eagles, American Rivet, Rollers, and Registers, Mount Prospect Scrappers/Shooters, and the DesPlaines Bruisers, who ironically would be our opponent in the finals of the 1978 State Tournament, and we had to play them again in the Schaumburg league the very next week after the State Tournament, which was comprised of 32 first place teams, one each from different towns including the Amalgamonsters from Chicago who were eliminated in the semifinals by those same Bruisers. Our path to the State finals saw us defeating the Melrose Park Pirates, Barrington Circus, Elmhurst Clowns, Northbrook Jokers, and in the finals we clobbered the Bruisers for the state title, and then clobbered them again in the Schaumburg league the following week. During the late '70's the Maulers won traveling tournaments in Carpentersville, McHenry, Hanover Park, Schaumburg, Mount Prospect, and DesPlaines. The team disbanded after the 1980 season, losing in the finals of the Metro Tournament to Chicago Lettuce, who then went on to finish second in the national tournament.
What made the Maulers different than most other top teams was the fact that they played every game with the same nucleus, no ringers, unlike many other tournament teams.
Our Maulers team qualified for the double elimination playoffs in both the Schaumburg and Mt Prospect leagues, and the schedules conflicted because we had lost a game to the McGaffers in the early rounds in Mt Prospect so we had to play in the losers bracker at 6pm and 9:30, and also that same night were scheduled to play in the winners bracket in Schaumburg at 7:30 and 8:30. Rather than forfeit any games we decided to play it by ear, so if one game was not going well we would just quit and head for the other town.
Our 6pm was against the Hoskins Chevy Satyrs, a team that had beaten us earlier during the season. Our strategy was to avoid any delays, no throwing the ball around between innings, no taking hittable pitches, and the Satyrs were wondering why we were acting so wierd and we told them our schedule plight. In the last inning, we had them beat and rather than finish the game they told us the game is over right now, wished us luck and told us to get to Schaumburg. We thanked them for that bit of class and raced to our cars, and luckily somehow made most of the stoplights, getting to Schaumburg only 4 minutes before forfeit time. No warmups, play ball. While we were still thanking the Satyrs for this lucky break, the Foxes pounced on us, showing no mercy, and forced us to come from behind with 3 runs in the last inning to tie the score. The game went 10 innings, and we finally won by one run.
We then had to choose whether to hang around for the next game or forfeit and head to Mt Prospect. Since it was double elimination we decided to take a forfeit. That gave us a little bit of time for our convoy to get to Mt Prospect, but every red light was excruciating while we watched the clocks tick away towards game time. We once again arrived 4 minutes before forfeit time, no warmups, play ball. Somehow we won another one run game against Scanda House, so incredibly we were still alive in both playoffs, albeit in the losers bracket in both places.
On the following night (fortunately no conflicts with Schaumburg that night) we had a chance to get revenge on the McGaffers who did us a favor knocking off our nemesis the Northbrook Jokers. We raced out to a big lead but the McGaffers stormed back yelling "they're getting tired" (they were right) and one of the spectators shut them up with one of the better retorts I had ever heard "Of course they're tired, you made them run around the bases 19 times". I will never forget one of the catches made by the McGaffers center fielder. One of our power hitters hit the gap in right center, and I could still envision the marginal convergence of ball and fielder who dove sideways, caught the ball just off the ground, somehow did a perfect somersault, and came up throwing. Way better than the Willie Mays catch.
We ended up winning by 2 runs to get to the Mt Prospect finals against legendary Jack Olson's Shooters/Scrappers, who breezed thru the winners bracket, thereby having no schedule problems, so we had to beat them twice due to the double elimination format. Jack had a way of pitching the ball right into the outfield lights so the batter could not see it. I told everyone to stand away from the plate, wait for the pitch to come out of the lights, and then take it to right field. It worked perfectly and we won both games handily. I got the game ball for that and it is still on display in my family room.
On the next day in Schaumburg, we fought our way thru the loser's bracket and guess who our opponents were for the finals the following night? It was the Shooters/Scrappers again, who had once again breezed thru the winners bracket, avoiding the schedule conflicts that we encountered. I thought I saw them roll their eyes as we showed up as their opponent. Clearly we had their number, and again we beat them twice to win both titles.
We were completely out of energy, but it no longer mattered, the season was over, and we had two improbable titles, and the beer never tasted any better. And to think if it were not for the class of the Satyrs, none of this this would probably ever have happened.
The Schaumburg league in the next few years had gained a reputation for being the most competitive in the suburbs. This attracted teams looking for better games, having been first place in their own town: Addison Freeloaders and Pacers, Dundee Wizards, Park Ridge Hardin Paving and Blue Chip Lounge, Crystal Lake Foxes, Palatine Crispy Critters, Elk Grove Stowaways, Chicago Eagles, American Rivet, Rollers, and Registers, Mount Prospect Scrappers/Shooters, and the DesPlaines Bruisers, who ironically would be our opponent in the finals of the 1978 State Tournament, and we had to play them again in the Schaumburg league the very next week after the State Tournament, which was comprised of 32 first place teams, one each from different towns including the Amalgamonsters from Chicago who were eliminated in the semifinals by those same Bruisers. Our path to the State finals saw us defeating the Melrose Park Pirates, Barrington Circus, Elmhurst Clowns, Northbrook Jokers, and in the finals we clobbered the Bruisers for the state title, and then clobbered them again in the Schaumburg league the following week. During the late '70's the Maulers won traveling tournaments in Carpentersville, McHenry, Hanover Park, Schaumburg, Mount Prospect, and DesPlaines. The team disbanded after the 1980 season, losing in the finals of the Metro Tournament to Chicago Lettuce, who then went on to finish second in the national tournament.
What made the Maulers different than most other top teams was the fact that they played every game with the same nucleus, no ringers, unlike many other tournament teams.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
While checking my junk mail one day, I came across this and the following events ensued...
Joe,
My name is Scott and I found your contact info on the web because I was searching for a 16" hitting coach for my team. You run a great blog for your league ( http://o50network.blogspot.com/ ) and it seems you are a golf instructor and I wondered if you would teach softball as well. Here's the deal - I played 16" in the south suburbs for a number of years. This year, after a number of years off, I decided to start a team in Wilmette where I live now. I mainly did it for the beers and camaraderie while aiming to be competitive. The problem is that while we do have some former athletes who stay active (everyone is 40ish) we are struggling at the plate while slowly improving in the field. We are 0-7 and are getting slaughtered by the more experienced teams. Many of us are competitive and while we do like the postgame activities, we need to win.We need help. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in (as early as this weekend) or if you have any other suggestions.Thanks so much.
Scott
Hello Scott, I would be happy to help. The question is where and when. When you have time later today, call me at my work number 847-304-7185 so we can discuss.
Joe
Joe,
In terms of the all-in cost for your time and travel let me know what you think, specifically on the travel part as we discussed the time portion of $1/minute. If you need to adjust any part of the cost structure just let me know. I shot an email out and I have at least half a dozen people so far and waiting for some more responses. Let's plan for 7:15am Sunday morning for an hour or so. The park is across from my house and is called Howard Park. If you're up for it, I'm envisioning you giving us some general tips followed by some or all of our guys taking some swings and you giving any feedback or tips. As to the first part, I'll leave it to you, but some things that I think would be helpful for us are: some general tips on swing mechanics (where to stand in the box, swing, follow through, etc.), proper thought process when we come to the plate (what you're thinking about in terms of your swing, placement, etc.) and an approach at the plate (what kind of pitch to look for, where to try to hit the ball). And if any other things come up that are not hitting-specific, we'd be happy to have any help we can get (best type of bat to use). While most of us have played baseball or 12" softball, we don't have a ton of 16" experience. As to the individualized tips, we have a range of abilities, from a few guys who don't have much experience swinging a bat at any level to most of us who have played baseball and some softball over the years. But for whatever reason, we haven't been able to translate the experience we have to hitting in game situations. So my guess is that there might be some simple tips for some guys that could make a big difference. Sorry for such a brain dump here but thought it would make all of our time more productive.
Scott
(following the session I learned their team name is the Dead Cougars since this was the neighborhood from which the news story came about a cougar on the loose being killed here)
The session consisted of both soft toss with individual critique, along with regular batting practice hitting to all fields. Click here for videos http://www.youtube.com/user/deadcougar
Scott's notes from the session:
Hitting:
1. Simplify your swing thoughts, this is not golf, no time to think of mechanics
2. Setup-weight back, arms back
3. Execution-keep the head steady so you can see the ball better.
4. Drive off the back leg in the direction you want to aim
5. look at the defense and see what they're giving you
6. with 2 strikes go with the pitch and an 80 percent swing, don't try to pull it
7. if you can't hit a high arching pitch "tomahawk" it
8. if you like a low pitch stand back in the box, if you like higher, move up front in the box
9. No gifts for the defense, never hit the ball to 3rd with runners on 1st & 2nd
10. when going to the right side,
a) wait till the ball is passed you, really wait, and then wait some more,
b) don't break the wrists (you will on the follow through, but don't try to),
c) step toward right field.
11. productive outs to move the runners is ok, so hit the ball to the right side with bases loaded, or runners on 1st and 2nd Base with less than 2 outs.
12. swing the heaviest bat you can as long as you don't sacrifice bat speed.
13. a lighter bat will give you more control, which is important when aiming at a hole.
Pitching:
1. Never give the batter the pitch he is looking for, if you can tell that the guy is trying to pull the ball, step toward 1st base and pitch him outside
2. if he's going to right step toward 3rd and try to jam him.
3. No batting practice pitches, do not pitch from the rubber, step off the rubber as far as you can either side.
4. Get as much arc on the pitch as legally possible, these are harder to hit.
5. After releasing the pitch, back up and play defense.
Defense:
1. No gifts, make the offense earn everything.
2. Know in advance if the ball is hit to you where are you going to throw.
3. on high infield spinners try to "alligator clamp" the ball right hand on top of left hand.
Joe wrote me this morning and gave us another tip. "One more thing that could make the difference between winning and losing. On defense, just because a ball is not hit to you, you still have a job to do, and that is to back up a base in case of an overthrow. I have seen teams lose just because of one bad play like this where nobody backed up the base and the ball got away and the winning run scored."
Attitude:
1. To improve focus, play the game a little angry (actually I said PO'd)
2. Give constant encouragement to teammates
3. bust chops after the game with a "kangaroo court" - charge fines for mental errors.
First, it looks like we have full attendance tomorrow. McDonnell has been instructed to bring enough beer. Let's get out there at 6:00pm to warmup and practice our new skills.
Second, here are the videos from practice. http://www.youtube.com/user/deadcougar
(after the session)
(from Dan H) Scott! That was great… and incredibly helpful to me personally as a "newbie" to the game. With the lessons learned on Sunday and continued "guidance" from my teammates, my goal is to be more of a contributor to our future WINS! And Joe, thank you for your time, insight, guidance and risking your life for the betterment of "The Dead Cougars"!!
Dan H
(from Steve F) Ideally the guys that were not there on Sunday morning could get to the game early tomorrow for some pointers from Scott "Wannabe Joe" Radtke.
(from Scott) "That's why the old guys beat the younger teams." -Coach Joe addressing the team on Sunday morning. This quote really addresses the fact that playing a smart game is just as important (if not more important) as being athletic.
It was a productive session and we will give a refresher course to the folks that were not there. My favorite part was playing soft toss with the rain and lightning. I will send out the videos later today. Joe is copied on this email. I traded emails with Joe this morning and he wishes us luck on Tuesday and we need to let him know how it went.
I realize now that we should have had at least one example demonstrating the correct stance and swing. Next time we have Joe out with us we can put him in front of the camera.
(Joe's comments: As a testimonial to my teaching skills, the Dead Cougars enthusiatically went to their next game and got beat 10-0. Oh well. It turns out that this league has an unlimited arch pitching rule, and can be a very difficult pitch to hit. Although I did mention you should try to tomahawk such a pitch, I should have conducted an actual drill on this, and after I said so to Scott, they had their own practice for the high arch pitch).
About 9 guys came out to a practice on Saturday morning. Our pitcher threw for about 90 minutes while we had a competitive BP (teams of 2 against each other with fielders - hits were one point) as well as some regular BP. I told our pitcher that I wanted as high an arc as possible while still pitching strikes. I brought out a car mat that would be as big as the strike zone well and he had to hit that for it to be a strike.
As a result, here is more news from Scott... [my comments in brackets]
(July 1, 2008)
The Dead Cougars are alive! We did it -- we beat the Misfit Beavers 13-12. Now that was true Chicago 16-inch softball. Lots of runs, great plays, unreal hustle on the basepaths, jawing with the opponent, and a tension filled 7th. I have no idea where to begin. As Danielsen put it at the postgame, for most of our games, the discussion is about one good play we had, but after this game, there were more good plays than we could remember. Even the day after, it's still a blur. Should I begin with the fact that we scored more runs in one game than we have in the entire season? Or Lipsey lighting the fuse with a solid hit on the first pitch of the game and motoring around to score on Martin's hit? What about Martin switch hitting, doing his Brooks Robinson impersonation at 3B and setting the tone for a scrappy game by tagging up and somehow scoring on an infield pop out? Or Danielsen hitting a ground rule double to the opposite field? Or Bobis coming through with clutch hit after clutch hit? Or Melchoirre pitching a great game with sweet high arcs and helping his cause with an RBI single? Or Fortier's flawless shortstop play? Or how about Dr. Phil getting body slammed and coming back to get the final out? Or the ump calling their SS a fuc*ing a**hole (which he did midgame, and to which they responded, "That is the only call you made right all night!")? Or how about Julie being called a f'ing wh*re by their first baseman?
[my favorite part] Nope, none of that will suffice. The way to begin is to let you know that I woke up this morning after 5 hours of sleep, very sore, slight headache, dehydrated, rough throat, in my uniform, smelling of sweat, bug spray and beer, walked down the stairs and looked at our mantle over the fireplace and next to our wedding picture (taken 13 years ago today) and a crystal vase there sits the game ball and the cork to the bottle of champagne. Now that is a good feeling!
Our bats were alive. Everybody put a good swing on the ball. Right field, left field, hard grounders, line shots. I would venture to say that we did Joe D. proud last night. Our defense was stellar and almost flawless. The highlight of our defense was the fact that we made the correct throws every time and did not let them take the extra base. We even made a couple putouts at the bases, most notably when Lipsey gunned down a runner at third with Martin calmly applying the tag. Our baserunning was aggressive. We took the extra base at every chance, hustled and beat out what should have been routine outs and even had Hoglund doing the Cowboy Dance during a rundown. Speaking of baserunning, Phil looked like he hit a brick wall when their 400 pound first baseman put his shoulder into him as he was crossing first base and knocked him sideways. Although the Beavers had arms as big as sewer pipes hanging from their sides, I was ready to throw hands right there. Thankfully the ump kicked him out of the game, which gave him ample time to sit his ample a*s on the bench and plead with the park district guy that the ump sucks and all he did was lean in to catch the throw. He was really just an innocent victim, right? At which point, Julie couldn't hold her tongue and had to call, "That is such bull!" Then one of their girlfriends let the park district guy know that the ump shouldn't call their guy an a**hole. "Then they shouldn't act like a**holes!" is what came out of my little wife's mouth. "Shut up, fuc*ing whore," is apparently how their victimized first baseman responded to that. As she said after the game, you can take the girl out of the south side, but you can't take the south side out of the girl. Joe D. said to play angry and I guess that extends to the wives as well. This being the Dead Cougars going for their first win, of course, it wouldn't be easy. We entered the bottom of the 7th with a 13-6 lead. But the Beavers started finding the narrow gaps in our defense and came storming back to make it 13-12, putting runners on the corners with two outs. After Lipinski's brief discussion with the ump to figure out if the ejected Beaver's spot in the lineup had come up, their left handed power hitter hit a long drive down the right field line. In a turn that can only be considered poetic justice, Phil raced over to the line, camped under the ball and squeezed it to seal the victory. [my comment, I can only imagine the euphoria of getting their first win, it must have been a mob scene, I wish I could have seen that].
Melchiorre came through with a postgame fitting for the occasion. Beer on ice, pizzas fresh out of the oven and a perfect setting on the front porch. I was happy that I was able to pop open those bottles of Wilmette's finest bubbly and now won't be haunted by them every time I open my fridge [another one of my favorite imaginations]. As one Cougar put it, the beer tastes better after a win (to me, this indicates you guys have finally arrived). As another said, the Cougars are undefeated in July. And as Flannery put it [this is freakin priceless], "When you consider the euro, there are four distinct reasons for its increase in value, number one..." (No word on whether the Beavers were having a similar discussion at their postgame.) Huge props to Jen and Julie, our two fans (or witnesses as Greg called them). It was a great night and well-deserved for a great bunch of guys. I was grateful that Oxer was able to make it out on his daughter's birthday, and I wish Trout and my brother could have been there (although with their enthusiasm we may have spent the postgame behind bars), but hopefully this is the first in a long line of Cougar victories.
post game comments from various teammates:
What a great TEAM effort last night and some pretty amazing individual efforts as well!! I am a Dead Cougar with his head held high!!
Awesome...just awesome... " Then they shouldn't act like a**holes!" I love it!!!
It was a long drive back to Berwyn for the Frustrated Beavers.
Great narrative, Great team effort and a Great W!
The Captain modestly neglected to mention his stellar play in left field and dead strike to home plate from left.
That makes my day! Go Cougars! I know there will be plenty more wins! Way to put some spice into the game, Julie!
Julie, you are one tough chick...Scott, I see a future for you as a Sox announcer or sportswriter...great follow-up email.
Joe, even though it was a 90 minute lesson, your words and demonstration have really helped us. We have referred to it often. We need to set up another time for you to come out and provide more individual instruction to the group.
[my final comment - This most accurately captures the essence of Chicago style bare handed 16 inch softball. And Dead Cougars, your team chemistry is top notch, and that will certainly lead to more success in the future. Thank you for letting me enjoy your success, no charge for future sessions.]
Further reports from Wilmette:
Highlights of the next game (a loss that threw a scare into one of the top teams in the league):
Flannery sliding at home plate and falling short by about a foot for the last out of the game looking up at the ump and indicating he was safe. Tim also had a great unassisted double play.
· Our resident dentist getting picked off first was a beauty (that will cost you in kangaroo court next year). Phil showed off his range and great arm in the outfield – who knew? Phil is throwing his body everywhere and is hoping Brooks Brothers carries blood free pants so his knee doesn't soak through.
· Bobis played an excellent 2B featuring a line shot that tripled the size of his left nipple.
· As I was leaving the house for the train I heard some noise at the park and walked over. Trout was still there debating the ump about what constitutes the baseline (Trout was called out for running out of the baseline while approaching 2nd base from right field).
· Martin once again was a spark plug out of the box to get us on the board with an early lead.
· Danielsen hitting our team's first triple of the season. Also, it was great to have Kristen joining the Cougars postgame activity.
· I really enjoyed the 4 or 5 Radtke to Radtke putouts. Marc played a flawless 1B. BTW, Marc, the dog's name is Chase not Chuck.
· I did not enjoy getting my wind knocked out as I dove for a putout at 3B. I had the dirtiest shirt award until Flannery's headfirst slide.
· Lipsey with a pulled hammy covering tons of ground and showing off the accurate gun holstered to his shoulder.
· Otsuka also with great catches and throws and a featuring sweet throw for a putout at 3B.
· Oxer hustling out a great hit and throwing another top notch postgame. Jeremy is now the official 5 hour energy supplier (dealer, distributor, enabler - you choose the word). http://www.5hourenergy.com/
· Melchiorre getting compliments from Grandpa's on a great pitching performance. Although Dave would have like the umpire to share that same opinion.
· I think we have a following – lots of wives out there. Cougars dig Cougars! (Otsuka's coined phrase - he has already trademarked it and shirts will be on sale next game).
· We are gaining a following outside the Cougar family as well! We have neighbors, friends and other teams all rooting for us. It was great to have a Flynner join us for a nightcap and have him and Trouter share the leprechauns in Vegas story.
...and the following week...
With a victory we would move up a spot and be tied for 9th place. With a loss we might be basement dwellers once again. We have exactly 10 for the game tonight with the debut of The Joke Writer as our pitcher. Pete has been instructed to kiss the sky with his pitches, get high like Jimi Hendrix and put the Cheiftons in a green haze. One quick story. So I was drinking beers Friday night with some folks who live on Washington and back up to Howard Park. A certain woman says to me, "So, did you have the Cougars out for a practice on Sunday morning?" I said, "Yup, we got out there at about 7am and were out there for a couple hours." She said, "Yes, (pause) I know, you woke me up!" "Really," I said, "There were only five of us, I didn't think we were talking that loud." She said, "It was the bat hitting the ball that woke me up." That is just awesome! At first I figured she heard a hungover Trouter holding court in left field holding his Venti Iced Americano and catching balls with his non-injured hand, then I realized our sweet swings are waking up the neighborhood. That is beautiful.
"I Think The Cougars Are A Warm Weather Team"
- Greg Otsuka quote from after our April 29th opening day 35-1 loss in 40 degree weather.
After a bit of research, it turns out Greg is right. According to the Canadian government agency that collects cougar-related data, warm weather causes a jump in cougar attacks.
The warm weather last night fueled our 8-5 assault on our opponent and now fetches us a 3-1 record in July. We are also undefeated in position games and rematches.
Speaking of violence, according to the official scorebook Marc has officially not been present for our two victories. He decided to pull a Doug Plank on the second baseman early in the game on a force out and was promptly booted from the game by the umpire. After the game, Marc indicated that he thought it was perfectly fine to knock the defensive player silly because Jeremy did to the catcher on the Hitmen.
Unquestionably, the hero of the game was our man "Big Z" Lipsey. Pete brought out his "good Carlos" with a right arm that threw some lofty strikes, walking only one, and when we were down 5-3 with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 6th, he unloaded a shot to left center for a grand slam that put us ahead for good. It was absolutely unbelievable! One of the most exciting moments of the year!
Other offensive highlights include the following.
We were down 5-1 in the top of the 6th and before Lipsey nailed his granny (who ironically is a cougar, ahem), we had hits from Otsuka, Trout, McDonnell, Hoglund (with a reprise of the Cowboy Dance) and Oxer, which yielded us two runs to get us to 5-3.
It was Oxer's first run of the season. It would have been his second if it wasn't for the aforementioned play at the plate.
Also, in the 6th, we batted around the order for the first time this season. Danielsen led off the 6th with an out but came up again later in the inning with me on 1B and got a hit for our final run.
Our defense came through once again as the young, strong and quick Chieftons sprayed hard shots around the field.
Our outfield was flawless with Otsuka, Trout and McDonnell covering the green pasture with ease.
In CF, Trouter had a bullet throw to Marc at third that almost gunned out the runner.
Flannery was an all-purpose player while playing three positions.
I was fired up about my first double play of the season (well, first one on defense).
On the injury front, it looks like Trouter will be on the DL for at least next week. He pulled a groin (his own thankfully) during our big inning. What is very interesting is that Mike Flynn on the Hitmen, who is Trout's college roommate and current co-worker also has a pulled groin. Rumor has it that Bobis isn't the only one with an Open Stance video.
Jeff "Open Stance" Bobis, who was not supposed to show up, pulled an Oxer and rushed to make the postgame festivities after swilling a number of employer mandated beers. Little did he know he would be rushed into duty to make our then 9-person squad a full 10. He played a fine half inning and like the sick kid who shows up for last period, he kept his Ripken practice and game attendance streak alive.
The Cougar contingent was disappointed that a few of our pack were unable to attend.
Martin was on the high waters of Lake Michigan sailing in the 100th Race to Mackinac.
Fortier was transacting business in Tokyo where just moments ago he enjoyed a serious earthquake.
Melchiorre was enjoying a concert with a former Cougar and I think got to go backstage and meet John Mellencamp.
Lipinski was taking a client to dinner and did everything he could to get out of it.
We are not just the talk of the town now but of the whole North Shore. Not only did a woman stop me while walking my dog this morning to say congratulations (thanks, Kristen aka The Jokewriteress) but I also was at lunch at The Botanic Gardens and was stopped by a woman who said she was really excited (that's what she said) to hear about our win. So, news travels fast. I'm seriously thinking we need to market our own t-shirts, hats, and thongs (The Wide Stance Collection) to the masses before we let another get-rich-quick opportunity slip away.
For further news, visit http://deadcougars.blogspot.com/
After the season, I was invited to their postseason party (with a cougar "sfx" hiss). Unfortunately I could not attend since my daughter was visiting us from Seattle, so I felt I should at least try to give a worthy response...
Cougar Nation, thanks for inviting me to your postseason party, but I cannot attend, my daughter is visiting us from Seattle that weekend.
Nation, I gotta tell ya, it was fun reading about your adventures this year, especially the first win. I wish I could see a replay of the final out, it must have been quite a rush. This brought all the old clichés to mind: They are finally off the schneid, the monkey is off their back, the horse is out of the barn. (using the voice of NFL Films)... The monkey and horse were promptly devoured by a pack of hungry Cougars, once thought to be dead but clearly very much alive, and officially dangerous.
Those who have not met me yet may be wondering, who is this guy? OK I will tell you. I am a 61 year old little kid who never grew up and has no plans to do so any time soon.
My boyhood hero was Peter Pan because he never wanted to grow up either. Imagine what a blow it was to my manhood when I learned the part of Peter Pan was being played by a woman named Mary Martin. Jeff was that your granny? If so, tell her to watch out for Lipsey (ahem) (re: the Chieftons game).
...So is this guy supposed to be some know-it-all Guru? No, but at age 61 I have been around the block a few times, and in doing so, I have been able to observe a few things, and all I am trying to do is to pass on some of these observations on to you, so you don’t have to wait until you are 61 to figure them out all by yourself.
Now if I am supposed to act like a Guru, then I must give you a Mantra, or words to live by. This should be easy to remember, it is only two words. No, the second word is not You.
This Mantra is something I had previously mentioned to you, “NO GIFTS”. If an opponent is going to beat you, they will have to do that with no help from you. We will be working on minimizing the two types of gifts or errors, physical and mental. On the physical side, there are better ways to throw and catch this type of ball. We must especially minimize the mental errors because they are ALWAYS unnecessary gifts. Little things can change the momentum of a game. Strikeouts or foul-outs are gifts, so better to put the ball in play and give their defense a chance to mess it up. Aiming hits to where there might be easy force outs are gifts. Throwing the ball to the wrong place is a gift. Forgetting to back up a base if the ball is not hit to you may result in a gift if there is an overthrow. Letting a fly ball drop for fear of a collision is a gift.
The list of potential gifts goes on, but I challenge you to Absorb And Live This Mantra, make it part of your mindset. NO GIFTS. Well OK I will reluctantly make exceptions for Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and other such events.
I still have more ways to make this Mantra sink in, so next spring if you want me to, I will travel once again to the land where Moses lost his shoes, and hopefully help you get to the next level.
In closing, I must confess, I really envy you guys because you have decades of good softball ahead of you, as opposed to guys my age who fear the current season might be their last. Heck we do not even bother buying green bananas anymore.
Anyway, I raise a glass and salute you for inviting me to be involved with people who really understand what Chicago style 16 inch softball is all about, ... attitude, pride, enthusiasm, camaraderie. You guys have got it all. God bless. SFX!
Joe D.
for their full story, see their blog from the bottom up, http://deadcougars.blogspot.com
Joe,
My name is Scott and I found your contact info on the web because I was searching for a 16" hitting coach for my team. You run a great blog for your league ( http://o50network.blogspot.com/ ) and it seems you are a golf instructor and I wondered if you would teach softball as well. Here's the deal - I played 16" in the south suburbs for a number of years. This year, after a number of years off, I decided to start a team in Wilmette where I live now. I mainly did it for the beers and camaraderie while aiming to be competitive. The problem is that while we do have some former athletes who stay active (everyone is 40ish) we are struggling at the plate while slowly improving in the field. We are 0-7 and are getting slaughtered by the more experienced teams. Many of us are competitive and while we do like the postgame activities, we need to win.We need help. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in (as early as this weekend) or if you have any other suggestions.Thanks so much.
Scott
Hello Scott, I would be happy to help. The question is where and when. When you have time later today, call me at my work number 847-304-7185 so we can discuss.
Joe
Joe,
In terms of the all-in cost for your time and travel let me know what you think, specifically on the travel part as we discussed the time portion of $1/minute. If you need to adjust any part of the cost structure just let me know. I shot an email out and I have at least half a dozen people so far and waiting for some more responses. Let's plan for 7:15am Sunday morning for an hour or so. The park is across from my house and is called Howard Park. If you're up for it, I'm envisioning you giving us some general tips followed by some or all of our guys taking some swings and you giving any feedback or tips. As to the first part, I'll leave it to you, but some things that I think would be helpful for us are: some general tips on swing mechanics (where to stand in the box, swing, follow through, etc.), proper thought process when we come to the plate (what you're thinking about in terms of your swing, placement, etc.) and an approach at the plate (what kind of pitch to look for, where to try to hit the ball). And if any other things come up that are not hitting-specific, we'd be happy to have any help we can get (best type of bat to use). While most of us have played baseball or 12" softball, we don't have a ton of 16" experience. As to the individualized tips, we have a range of abilities, from a few guys who don't have much experience swinging a bat at any level to most of us who have played baseball and some softball over the years. But for whatever reason, we haven't been able to translate the experience we have to hitting in game situations. So my guess is that there might be some simple tips for some guys that could make a big difference. Sorry for such a brain dump here but thought it would make all of our time more productive.
Scott
(following the session I learned their team name is the Dead Cougars since this was the neighborhood from which the news story came about a cougar on the loose being killed here)
The session consisted of both soft toss with individual critique, along with regular batting practice hitting to all fields. Click here for videos http://www.youtube.com/user/deadcougar
Scott's notes from the session:
Hitting:
1. Simplify your swing thoughts, this is not golf, no time to think of mechanics
2. Setup-weight back, arms back
3. Execution-keep the head steady so you can see the ball better.
4. Drive off the back leg in the direction you want to aim
5. look at the defense and see what they're giving you
6. with 2 strikes go with the pitch and an 80 percent swing, don't try to pull it
7. if you can't hit a high arching pitch "tomahawk" it
8. if you like a low pitch stand back in the box, if you like higher, move up front in the box
9. No gifts for the defense, never hit the ball to 3rd with runners on 1st & 2nd
10. when going to the right side,
a) wait till the ball is passed you, really wait, and then wait some more,
b) don't break the wrists (you will on the follow through, but don't try to),
c) step toward right field.
11. productive outs to move the runners is ok, so hit the ball to the right side with bases loaded, or runners on 1st and 2nd Base with less than 2 outs.
12. swing the heaviest bat you can as long as you don't sacrifice bat speed.
13. a lighter bat will give you more control, which is important when aiming at a hole.
Pitching:
1. Never give the batter the pitch he is looking for, if you can tell that the guy is trying to pull the ball, step toward 1st base and pitch him outside
2. if he's going to right step toward 3rd and try to jam him.
3. No batting practice pitches, do not pitch from the rubber, step off the rubber as far as you can either side.
4. Get as much arc on the pitch as legally possible, these are harder to hit.
5. After releasing the pitch, back up and play defense.
Defense:
1. No gifts, make the offense earn everything.
2. Know in advance if the ball is hit to you where are you going to throw.
3. on high infield spinners try to "alligator clamp" the ball right hand on top of left hand.
Joe wrote me this morning and gave us another tip. "One more thing that could make the difference between winning and losing. On defense, just because a ball is not hit to you, you still have a job to do, and that is to back up a base in case of an overthrow. I have seen teams lose just because of one bad play like this where nobody backed up the base and the ball got away and the winning run scored."
Attitude:
1. To improve focus, play the game a little angry (actually I said PO'd)
2. Give constant encouragement to teammates
3. bust chops after the game with a "kangaroo court" - charge fines for mental errors.
First, it looks like we have full attendance tomorrow. McDonnell has been instructed to bring enough beer. Let's get out there at 6:00pm to warmup and practice our new skills.
Second, here are the videos from practice. http://www.youtube.com/user/deadcougar
(after the session)
(from Dan H) Scott! That was great… and incredibly helpful to me personally as a "newbie" to the game. With the lessons learned on Sunday and continued "guidance" from my teammates, my goal is to be more of a contributor to our future WINS! And Joe, thank you for your time, insight, guidance and risking your life for the betterment of "The Dead Cougars"!!
Dan H
(from Steve F) Ideally the guys that were not there on Sunday morning could get to the game early tomorrow for some pointers from Scott "Wannabe Joe" Radtke.
(from Scott) "That's why the old guys beat the younger teams." -Coach Joe addressing the team on Sunday morning. This quote really addresses the fact that playing a smart game is just as important (if not more important) as being athletic.
It was a productive session and we will give a refresher course to the folks that were not there. My favorite part was playing soft toss with the rain and lightning. I will send out the videos later today. Joe is copied on this email. I traded emails with Joe this morning and he wishes us luck on Tuesday and we need to let him know how it went.
I realize now that we should have had at least one example demonstrating the correct stance and swing. Next time we have Joe out with us we can put him in front of the camera.
(Joe's comments: As a testimonial to my teaching skills, the Dead Cougars enthusiatically went to their next game and got beat 10-0. Oh well. It turns out that this league has an unlimited arch pitching rule, and can be a very difficult pitch to hit. Although I did mention you should try to tomahawk such a pitch, I should have conducted an actual drill on this, and after I said so to Scott, they had their own practice for the high arch pitch).
About 9 guys came out to a practice on Saturday morning. Our pitcher threw for about 90 minutes while we had a competitive BP (teams of 2 against each other with fielders - hits were one point) as well as some regular BP. I told our pitcher that I wanted as high an arc as possible while still pitching strikes. I brought out a car mat that would be as big as the strike zone well and he had to hit that for it to be a strike.
As a result, here is more news from Scott... [my comments in brackets]
(July 1, 2008)
The Dead Cougars are alive! We did it -- we beat the Misfit Beavers 13-12. Now that was true Chicago 16-inch softball. Lots of runs, great plays, unreal hustle on the basepaths, jawing with the opponent, and a tension filled 7th. I have no idea where to begin. As Danielsen put it at the postgame, for most of our games, the discussion is about one good play we had, but after this game, there were more good plays than we could remember. Even the day after, it's still a blur. Should I begin with the fact that we scored more runs in one game than we have in the entire season? Or Lipsey lighting the fuse with a solid hit on the first pitch of the game and motoring around to score on Martin's hit? What about Martin switch hitting, doing his Brooks Robinson impersonation at 3B and setting the tone for a scrappy game by tagging up and somehow scoring on an infield pop out? Or Danielsen hitting a ground rule double to the opposite field? Or Bobis coming through with clutch hit after clutch hit? Or Melchoirre pitching a great game with sweet high arcs and helping his cause with an RBI single? Or Fortier's flawless shortstop play? Or how about Dr. Phil getting body slammed and coming back to get the final out? Or the ump calling their SS a fuc*ing a**hole (which he did midgame, and to which they responded, "That is the only call you made right all night!")? Or how about Julie being called a f'ing wh*re by their first baseman?
[my favorite part] Nope, none of that will suffice. The way to begin is to let you know that I woke up this morning after 5 hours of sleep, very sore, slight headache, dehydrated, rough throat, in my uniform, smelling of sweat, bug spray and beer, walked down the stairs and looked at our mantle over the fireplace and next to our wedding picture (taken 13 years ago today) and a crystal vase there sits the game ball and the cork to the bottle of champagne. Now that is a good feeling!
Our bats were alive. Everybody put a good swing on the ball. Right field, left field, hard grounders, line shots. I would venture to say that we did Joe D. proud last night. Our defense was stellar and almost flawless. The highlight of our defense was the fact that we made the correct throws every time and did not let them take the extra base. We even made a couple putouts at the bases, most notably when Lipsey gunned down a runner at third with Martin calmly applying the tag. Our baserunning was aggressive. We took the extra base at every chance, hustled and beat out what should have been routine outs and even had Hoglund doing the Cowboy Dance during a rundown. Speaking of baserunning, Phil looked like he hit a brick wall when their 400 pound first baseman put his shoulder into him as he was crossing first base and knocked him sideways. Although the Beavers had arms as big as sewer pipes hanging from their sides, I was ready to throw hands right there. Thankfully the ump kicked him out of the game, which gave him ample time to sit his ample a*s on the bench and plead with the park district guy that the ump sucks and all he did was lean in to catch the throw. He was really just an innocent victim, right? At which point, Julie couldn't hold her tongue and had to call, "That is such bull!" Then one of their girlfriends let the park district guy know that the ump shouldn't call their guy an a**hole. "Then they shouldn't act like a**holes!" is what came out of my little wife's mouth. "Shut up, fuc*ing whore," is apparently how their victimized first baseman responded to that. As she said after the game, you can take the girl out of the south side, but you can't take the south side out of the girl. Joe D. said to play angry and I guess that extends to the wives as well. This being the Dead Cougars going for their first win, of course, it wouldn't be easy. We entered the bottom of the 7th with a 13-6 lead. But the Beavers started finding the narrow gaps in our defense and came storming back to make it 13-12, putting runners on the corners with two outs. After Lipinski's brief discussion with the ump to figure out if the ejected Beaver's spot in the lineup had come up, their left handed power hitter hit a long drive down the right field line. In a turn that can only be considered poetic justice, Phil raced over to the line, camped under the ball and squeezed it to seal the victory. [my comment, I can only imagine the euphoria of getting their first win, it must have been a mob scene, I wish I could have seen that].
Melchiorre came through with a postgame fitting for the occasion. Beer on ice, pizzas fresh out of the oven and a perfect setting on the front porch. I was happy that I was able to pop open those bottles of Wilmette's finest bubbly and now won't be haunted by them every time I open my fridge [another one of my favorite imaginations]. As one Cougar put it, the beer tastes better after a win (to me, this indicates you guys have finally arrived). As another said, the Cougars are undefeated in July. And as Flannery put it [this is freakin priceless], "When you consider the euro, there are four distinct reasons for its increase in value, number one..." (No word on whether the Beavers were having a similar discussion at their postgame.) Huge props to Jen and Julie, our two fans (or witnesses as Greg called them). It was a great night and well-deserved for a great bunch of guys. I was grateful that Oxer was able to make it out on his daughter's birthday, and I wish Trout and my brother could have been there (although with their enthusiasm we may have spent the postgame behind bars), but hopefully this is the first in a long line of Cougar victories.
post game comments from various teammates:
What a great TEAM effort last night and some pretty amazing individual efforts as well!! I am a Dead Cougar with his head held high!!
Awesome...just awesome... " Then they shouldn't act like a**holes!" I love it!!!
It was a long drive back to Berwyn for the Frustrated Beavers.
Great narrative, Great team effort and a Great W!
The Captain modestly neglected to mention his stellar play in left field and dead strike to home plate from left.
That makes my day! Go Cougars! I know there will be plenty more wins! Way to put some spice into the game, Julie!
Julie, you are one tough chick...Scott, I see a future for you as a Sox announcer or sportswriter...great follow-up email.
Joe, even though it was a 90 minute lesson, your words and demonstration have really helped us. We have referred to it often. We need to set up another time for you to come out and provide more individual instruction to the group.
[my final comment - This most accurately captures the essence of Chicago style bare handed 16 inch softball. And Dead Cougars, your team chemistry is top notch, and that will certainly lead to more success in the future. Thank you for letting me enjoy your success, no charge for future sessions.]
Further reports from Wilmette:
Highlights of the next game (a loss that threw a scare into one of the top teams in the league):
Flannery sliding at home plate and falling short by about a foot for the last out of the game looking up at the ump and indicating he was safe. Tim also had a great unassisted double play.
· Our resident dentist getting picked off first was a beauty (that will cost you in kangaroo court next year). Phil showed off his range and great arm in the outfield – who knew? Phil is throwing his body everywhere and is hoping Brooks Brothers carries blood free pants so his knee doesn't soak through.
· Bobis played an excellent 2B featuring a line shot that tripled the size of his left nipple.
· As I was leaving the house for the train I heard some noise at the park and walked over. Trout was still there debating the ump about what constitutes the baseline (Trout was called out for running out of the baseline while approaching 2nd base from right field).
· Martin once again was a spark plug out of the box to get us on the board with an early lead.
· Danielsen hitting our team's first triple of the season. Also, it was great to have Kristen joining the Cougars postgame activity.
· I really enjoyed the 4 or 5 Radtke to Radtke putouts. Marc played a flawless 1B. BTW, Marc, the dog's name is Chase not Chuck.
· I did not enjoy getting my wind knocked out as I dove for a putout at 3B. I had the dirtiest shirt award until Flannery's headfirst slide.
· Lipsey with a pulled hammy covering tons of ground and showing off the accurate gun holstered to his shoulder.
· Otsuka also with great catches and throws and a featuring sweet throw for a putout at 3B.
· Oxer hustling out a great hit and throwing another top notch postgame. Jeremy is now the official 5 hour energy supplier (dealer, distributor, enabler - you choose the word). http://www.5hourenergy.com/
· Melchiorre getting compliments from Grandpa's on a great pitching performance. Although Dave would have like the umpire to share that same opinion.
· I think we have a following – lots of wives out there. Cougars dig Cougars! (Otsuka's coined phrase - he has already trademarked it and shirts will be on sale next game).
· We are gaining a following outside the Cougar family as well! We have neighbors, friends and other teams all rooting for us. It was great to have a Flynner join us for a nightcap and have him and Trouter share the leprechauns in Vegas story.
...and the following week...
With a victory we would move up a spot and be tied for 9th place. With a loss we might be basement dwellers once again. We have exactly 10 for the game tonight with the debut of The Joke Writer as our pitcher. Pete has been instructed to kiss the sky with his pitches, get high like Jimi Hendrix and put the Cheiftons in a green haze. One quick story. So I was drinking beers Friday night with some folks who live on Washington and back up to Howard Park. A certain woman says to me, "So, did you have the Cougars out for a practice on Sunday morning?" I said, "Yup, we got out there at about 7am and were out there for a couple hours." She said, "Yes, (pause) I know, you woke me up!" "Really," I said, "There were only five of us, I didn't think we were talking that loud." She said, "It was the bat hitting the ball that woke me up." That is just awesome! At first I figured she heard a hungover Trouter holding court in left field holding his Venti Iced Americano and catching balls with his non-injured hand, then I realized our sweet swings are waking up the neighborhood. That is beautiful.
"I Think The Cougars Are A Warm Weather Team"
- Greg Otsuka quote from after our April 29th opening day 35-1 loss in 40 degree weather.
After a bit of research, it turns out Greg is right. According to the Canadian government agency that collects cougar-related data, warm weather causes a jump in cougar attacks.
The warm weather last night fueled our 8-5 assault on our opponent and now fetches us a 3-1 record in July. We are also undefeated in position games and rematches.
Speaking of violence, according to the official scorebook Marc has officially not been present for our two victories. He decided to pull a Doug Plank on the second baseman early in the game on a force out and was promptly booted from the game by the umpire. After the game, Marc indicated that he thought it was perfectly fine to knock the defensive player silly because Jeremy did to the catcher on the Hitmen.
Unquestionably, the hero of the game was our man "Big Z" Lipsey. Pete brought out his "good Carlos" with a right arm that threw some lofty strikes, walking only one, and when we were down 5-3 with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 6th, he unloaded a shot to left center for a grand slam that put us ahead for good. It was absolutely unbelievable! One of the most exciting moments of the year!
Other offensive highlights include the following.
We were down 5-1 in the top of the 6th and before Lipsey nailed his granny (who ironically is a cougar, ahem), we had hits from Otsuka, Trout, McDonnell, Hoglund (with a reprise of the Cowboy Dance) and Oxer, which yielded us two runs to get us to 5-3.
It was Oxer's first run of the season. It would have been his second if it wasn't for the aforementioned play at the plate.
Also, in the 6th, we batted around the order for the first time this season. Danielsen led off the 6th with an out but came up again later in the inning with me on 1B and got a hit for our final run.
Our defense came through once again as the young, strong and quick Chieftons sprayed hard shots around the field.
Our outfield was flawless with Otsuka, Trout and McDonnell covering the green pasture with ease.
In CF, Trouter had a bullet throw to Marc at third that almost gunned out the runner.
Flannery was an all-purpose player while playing three positions.
I was fired up about my first double play of the season (well, first one on defense).
On the injury front, it looks like Trouter will be on the DL for at least next week. He pulled a groin (his own thankfully) during our big inning. What is very interesting is that Mike Flynn on the Hitmen, who is Trout's college roommate and current co-worker also has a pulled groin. Rumor has it that Bobis isn't the only one with an Open Stance video.
Jeff "Open Stance" Bobis, who was not supposed to show up, pulled an Oxer and rushed to make the postgame festivities after swilling a number of employer mandated beers. Little did he know he would be rushed into duty to make our then 9-person squad a full 10. He played a fine half inning and like the sick kid who shows up for last period, he kept his Ripken practice and game attendance streak alive.
The Cougar contingent was disappointed that a few of our pack were unable to attend.
Martin was on the high waters of Lake Michigan sailing in the 100th Race to Mackinac.
Fortier was transacting business in Tokyo where just moments ago he enjoyed a serious earthquake.
Melchiorre was enjoying a concert with a former Cougar and I think got to go backstage and meet John Mellencamp.
Lipinski was taking a client to dinner and did everything he could to get out of it.
We are not just the talk of the town now but of the whole North Shore. Not only did a woman stop me while walking my dog this morning to say congratulations (thanks, Kristen aka The Jokewriteress) but I also was at lunch at The Botanic Gardens and was stopped by a woman who said she was really excited (that's what she said) to hear about our win. So, news travels fast. I'm seriously thinking we need to market our own t-shirts, hats, and thongs (The Wide Stance Collection) to the masses before we let another get-rich-quick opportunity slip away.
For further news, visit http://deadcougars.blogspot.com/
After the season, I was invited to their postseason party (with a cougar "sfx" hiss). Unfortunately I could not attend since my daughter was visiting us from Seattle, so I felt I should at least try to give a worthy response...
Cougar Nation, thanks for inviting me to your postseason party, but I cannot attend, my daughter is visiting us from Seattle that weekend.
Nation, I gotta tell ya, it was fun reading about your adventures this year, especially the first win. I wish I could see a replay of the final out, it must have been quite a rush. This brought all the old clichés to mind: They are finally off the schneid, the monkey is off their back, the horse is out of the barn. (using the voice of NFL Films)... The monkey and horse were promptly devoured by a pack of hungry Cougars, once thought to be dead but clearly very much alive, and officially dangerous.
Those who have not met me yet may be wondering, who is this guy? OK I will tell you. I am a 61 year old little kid who never grew up and has no plans to do so any time soon.
My boyhood hero was Peter Pan because he never wanted to grow up either. Imagine what a blow it was to my manhood when I learned the part of Peter Pan was being played by a woman named Mary Martin. Jeff was that your granny? If so, tell her to watch out for Lipsey (ahem) (re: the Chieftons game).
...So is this guy supposed to be some know-it-all Guru? No, but at age 61 I have been around the block a few times, and in doing so, I have been able to observe a few things, and all I am trying to do is to pass on some of these observations on to you, so you don’t have to wait until you are 61 to figure them out all by yourself.
Now if I am supposed to act like a Guru, then I must give you a Mantra, or words to live by. This should be easy to remember, it is only two words. No, the second word is not You.
This Mantra is something I had previously mentioned to you, “NO GIFTS”. If an opponent is going to beat you, they will have to do that with no help from you. We will be working on minimizing the two types of gifts or errors, physical and mental. On the physical side, there are better ways to throw and catch this type of ball. We must especially minimize the mental errors because they are ALWAYS unnecessary gifts. Little things can change the momentum of a game. Strikeouts or foul-outs are gifts, so better to put the ball in play and give their defense a chance to mess it up. Aiming hits to where there might be easy force outs are gifts. Throwing the ball to the wrong place is a gift. Forgetting to back up a base if the ball is not hit to you may result in a gift if there is an overthrow. Letting a fly ball drop for fear of a collision is a gift.
The list of potential gifts goes on, but I challenge you to Absorb And Live This Mantra, make it part of your mindset. NO GIFTS. Well OK I will reluctantly make exceptions for Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and other such events.
I still have more ways to make this Mantra sink in, so next spring if you want me to, I will travel once again to the land where Moses lost his shoes, and hopefully help you get to the next level.
In closing, I must confess, I really envy you guys because you have decades of good softball ahead of you, as opposed to guys my age who fear the current season might be their last. Heck we do not even bother buying green bananas anymore.
Anyway, I raise a glass and salute you for inviting me to be involved with people who really understand what Chicago style 16 inch softball is all about, ... attitude, pride, enthusiasm, camaraderie. You guys have got it all. God bless. SFX!
Joe D.
for their full story, see their blog from the bottom up, http://deadcougars.blogspot.com
Friday, May 30, 2008
The best form of baseball ever devised is the Chicago 16 inch bare handed version.
Why?
Unlike the 12 inch version, you do not need any more equipment other than one bat and one ball. No gloves allowed.
The field size is smaller than any other version of baseball, with the possible exception of Little League.
Fences are not needed. Backstops are not needed.
The field does not need to be manicured, any level surface will do, grass or dirt.
Without a glove there is no such thing as an easy out. You must use both hands to catch the ball, therefore every play is an uncertainty.
Slow pitch assures the ball will be put in play almost all the time, unlike fast pitch where the best pitcher almost always wins, as evidenced by The King And His Court, needing only 4 fielders to beat most other teams. When the pitcher strikes out most batters, the game becomes rather boring. Pretty much the same for regular hard ball baseball which takes over 2 hours per game. 16 inch softball takes only about one hour, so you can use the rest of the time to go to the bar and have some comeraderie with your buddies.
How could we grow the game? Think about young kids learning baseball by playing little league hardball. They stand there doing nothing waiting for the ball to be hit to them, which it seldom is since most batters strike out. Only the best players get better and usually dominate the lesser players. Instead, I say youngsters should use a 14 inch "gymball" and play bare handed. Their skills will develop faster because the ball is always in play, and every position is important. They will also learn the nuances of baseball much faster. When kids get older they can graduate to the 16 inch ball, and by then they will already know how to play the game.
Here is a concept which I call Action Softball, which would be great for grammar school and junior highs, maybe even co-ed:
- Eliminate walks and strikeouts by pitching to your own team. This also eliminates the petty bickering at umpires on proper calls of balls, strikes, illegal pitches, etc.
- Keep the action moving by making a rule that you only get 2 pitches to hit a fair ball, or else you are out (so you might as well swing the bat).
- Reduce the risk of injuries by using the 14-inch "Gymball", which is soft, yet it travels very well when hit, and it is also re-usable which is a cost reduction idea.
- Improve everyone's hand skills by playing bare-handed. Using no gloves is another cost reduction idea.
- Play on grassy areas. There is no need for dirt infields, backstops, or fences. This is not only a major cost reduction idea (maintenance expenses), but you will have many more suitable fields available, and you will be less likely to have games called off due to wet weather (you might have a nice day, but the dirt infields might be muddy).
- Other cost reductions resulting from the above concept are the elimination of the need for catcher's gear, umpire's gear, and helments.
- Blowouts are time-consuming and boring. Reduce blowouts by using a limit to the amount of runs scored per inning ( 5 usually works well) except for the final inning.
- Involve more players by using a continuous batting order, which means the entire roster gets to bat, whether they are playing in the field or not. You can also choose to allow extra fielders such as a defensive pitcher, 4th outfielder, or and extra infielder behind 2nd base.
- Reduce forfeits by allowing teams to play with as few as 7 players, since you do not need a defensive pitcher or catcher.
In summary, people will have many more at bats per game with this format, without using up any more time. The action will be so continuous that it will only take about one hour to finish a 9 inning game. During that hour, there will be very little standing around, more people will be involved, and people will have a lot more fun.
For more information on softball,
Check out this site, especially the Complaint Dept.
http://o50network.blogspot.com/
Why?
Unlike the 12 inch version, you do not need any more equipment other than one bat and one ball. No gloves allowed.
The field size is smaller than any other version of baseball, with the possible exception of Little League.
Fences are not needed. Backstops are not needed.
The field does not need to be manicured, any level surface will do, grass or dirt.
Without a glove there is no such thing as an easy out. You must use both hands to catch the ball, therefore every play is an uncertainty.
Slow pitch assures the ball will be put in play almost all the time, unlike fast pitch where the best pitcher almost always wins, as evidenced by The King And His Court, needing only 4 fielders to beat most other teams. When the pitcher strikes out most batters, the game becomes rather boring. Pretty much the same for regular hard ball baseball which takes over 2 hours per game. 16 inch softball takes only about one hour, so you can use the rest of the time to go to the bar and have some comeraderie with your buddies.
How could we grow the game? Think about young kids learning baseball by playing little league hardball. They stand there doing nothing waiting for the ball to be hit to them, which it seldom is since most batters strike out. Only the best players get better and usually dominate the lesser players. Instead, I say youngsters should use a 14 inch "gymball" and play bare handed. Their skills will develop faster because the ball is always in play, and every position is important. They will also learn the nuances of baseball much faster. When kids get older they can graduate to the 16 inch ball, and by then they will already know how to play the game.
Here is a concept which I call Action Softball, which would be great for grammar school and junior highs, maybe even co-ed:
- Eliminate walks and strikeouts by pitching to your own team. This also eliminates the petty bickering at umpires on proper calls of balls, strikes, illegal pitches, etc.
- Keep the action moving by making a rule that you only get 2 pitches to hit a fair ball, or else you are out (so you might as well swing the bat).
- Reduce the risk of injuries by using the 14-inch "Gymball", which is soft, yet it travels very well when hit, and it is also re-usable which is a cost reduction idea.
- Improve everyone's hand skills by playing bare-handed. Using no gloves is another cost reduction idea.
- Play on grassy areas. There is no need for dirt infields, backstops, or fences. This is not only a major cost reduction idea (maintenance expenses), but you will have many more suitable fields available, and you will be less likely to have games called off due to wet weather (you might have a nice day, but the dirt infields might be muddy).
- Other cost reductions resulting from the above concept are the elimination of the need for catcher's gear, umpire's gear, and helments.
- Blowouts are time-consuming and boring. Reduce blowouts by using a limit to the amount of runs scored per inning ( 5 usually works well) except for the final inning.
- Involve more players by using a continuous batting order, which means the entire roster gets to bat, whether they are playing in the field or not. You can also choose to allow extra fielders such as a defensive pitcher, 4th outfielder, or and extra infielder behind 2nd base.
- Reduce forfeits by allowing teams to play with as few as 7 players, since you do not need a defensive pitcher or catcher.
In summary, people will have many more at bats per game with this format, without using up any more time. The action will be so continuous that it will only take about one hour to finish a 9 inning game. During that hour, there will be very little standing around, more people will be involved, and people will have a lot more fun.
For more information on softball,
Check out this site, especially the Complaint Dept.
http://o50network.blogspot.com/
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Can't Putt
I was always a pretty good ball striker, but being a bit nearsighted, my putting has always been mediocre. I tried to listen to every tip, but nothing seemed to help. Nevertheless I was determined to improve, so I hung around the supermarket magazine racks with the teeny-boppers, hoping to find a golf magazine that could give me that one magical tip to cure my putting woes.
What's this? An article that says to try a cross handed grip? No no no, that is for beginners who don't know how to hold baseball bat, much less a golf club. Boy you would have to be really desperate to try something that weird, backhanding the ball like a hockey player.
The last straw came during our company golf league. On the last green I had a medium length birdie putt, and as I was lining it up, the other players in my foursome were commenting openly that it was an easy putt because each of them had holed it from about the same spot last week. The pressure was on. They continued to comment that 2 weeks ago our worst player had holed a putt from there. I could feel perspiration forming upon my furrowed brow. Then they said two of the ladies in our league sank one from about that spot. The throat was getting dry, it's choke time. By now this quivering mass of protoplasm was thinking he would be lucky if he could 2 putt from there. One of them made a bet that I would 3 putt. He lost the bet because I four putted.
As they all exited the green laughing, I went back to the original spot and something made me try the cross handed grip out of despair, and with nobody watching I sank 3 in a row. Since the following group was approaching, so I went to the practice green and waited until it was vacant because I was too embarrassed to let anyone see me holding the putter like that. Then I snuck on, looked around and made sure nobody was watching this strange grip, and sure enough, this grip worked much better than my conventional grip. I got carried away and started doing imitations of Chi Chi Rodriguez until I realized I was being watched, so I skulked off the practice green and raced back to the magazine rack, pushed the teeny-boppers out of the way, and got 4 paper cuts trying to find that magazine article again so I could find out if there were any good reasons why this grip worked.
The article said the left hand was the control hand for right handed golfers, so by placing the control hand farther down the grip, control is enhanced, and the right hand, or power hand, becomes less important, in fact the power hand is what causes most putting strokes to get messed up. At this point, being desperate enough to believe anything, it almost made sense. The article went on to say which pros were already using it, so why should I feel so self conscious about it? If the putts are going into the hole, why should I care if someone says "Whatsamatter did you forget how to hold a club", or "Stand on the other side of the ball if you want to hold the club like that", or "Gretzky with a slap shot and he SCORES".
Fortunately for me, nowadays this grip has gained acceptance. They even gave it a fancier name, the left hand low grip. Ooooooh, that sounds better. Now I can come out of the closet, so to speak (stay away from me, fruity guys, that's not what I meant).
I was always a pretty good ball striker, but being a bit nearsighted, my putting has always been mediocre. I tried to listen to every tip, but nothing seemed to help. Nevertheless I was determined to improve, so I hung around the supermarket magazine racks with the teeny-boppers, hoping to find a golf magazine that could give me that one magical tip to cure my putting woes.
What's this? An article that says to try a cross handed grip? No no no, that is for beginners who don't know how to hold baseball bat, much less a golf club. Boy you would have to be really desperate to try something that weird, backhanding the ball like a hockey player.
The last straw came during our company golf league. On the last green I had a medium length birdie putt, and as I was lining it up, the other players in my foursome were commenting openly that it was an easy putt because each of them had holed it from about the same spot last week. The pressure was on. They continued to comment that 2 weeks ago our worst player had holed a putt from there. I could feel perspiration forming upon my furrowed brow. Then they said two of the ladies in our league sank one from about that spot. The throat was getting dry, it's choke time. By now this quivering mass of protoplasm was thinking he would be lucky if he could 2 putt from there. One of them made a bet that I would 3 putt. He lost the bet because I four putted.
As they all exited the green laughing, I went back to the original spot and something made me try the cross handed grip out of despair, and with nobody watching I sank 3 in a row. Since the following group was approaching, so I went to the practice green and waited until it was vacant because I was too embarrassed to let anyone see me holding the putter like that. Then I snuck on, looked around and made sure nobody was watching this strange grip, and sure enough, this grip worked much better than my conventional grip. I got carried away and started doing imitations of Chi Chi Rodriguez until I realized I was being watched, so I skulked off the practice green and raced back to the magazine rack, pushed the teeny-boppers out of the way, and got 4 paper cuts trying to find that magazine article again so I could find out if there were any good reasons why this grip worked.
The article said the left hand was the control hand for right handed golfers, so by placing the control hand farther down the grip, control is enhanced, and the right hand, or power hand, becomes less important, in fact the power hand is what causes most putting strokes to get messed up. At this point, being desperate enough to believe anything, it almost made sense. The article went on to say which pros were already using it, so why should I feel so self conscious about it? If the putts are going into the hole, why should I care if someone says "Whatsamatter did you forget how to hold a club", or "Stand on the other side of the ball if you want to hold the club like that", or "Gretzky with a slap shot and he SCORES".
Fortunately for me, nowadays this grip has gained acceptance. They even gave it a fancier name, the left hand low grip. Ooooooh, that sounds better. Now I can come out of the closet, so to speak (stay away from me, fruity guys, that's not what I meant).
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Chess Is A Dog-Eat-Dog Game
I enjoyed learning chess when I was a kid, but had not played in awhile. One day while I was in the military, they posted a notice for a chess tournament, so I thought it might be fun to try it. It turned out to be what they called a Speed tournament, you had to make a certain amount of moves in a certain amount of time, otherwise the tournament would take forever due to those who play with the speed of a department store mannequin.
Not knowing what to expect, I envisioned a room full of nerds with thick glasses, because everybody knows they are really smart and good at chess, but when I got there I only saw regular GI's with fatigues, just like me. Then I got to meet my first opponent, who happened to be a nerdy looking guy with thick glasses. Where did he come from? Did he materialize out of thin air just to torment me? Already I was intimidated.
I had never used a chess clock before, so I kept forgetting to stop my clock after my move, so my time ran out. If your time runs out, you lose. Darn. My second opponent was wearing no glasses, so I figured I had a chance this time. This guy had the same problem I did, so neither one of us remembered to stop our clocks after our moves. Fortunately, his clock ran out before mine did. It was a good thing too because I was getting my butt kicked.
Then I had to play a guy whose personal hygiene was worse than Pigpen's. Every few seconds he would alternate belch or fart. Talk about distractions. I was tempted to fight fire with fire, but I feared the building would have to be evacuated. The distractions were too much to overcome, so rather than suffer death by asphyxiation, I let my clock run out.
My next opponent was one of these guys who could swagger while he was sitting down. Mr. Suave De Boner. He was so good he even remembered to stop his clock after every move. He was a large guy and a heavy breather. All during the game I felt like I was in the middle of an obscene phone call. Whenever he made a move he would smirk and glance at me, like why am I lowering myself to play a peasant like you? And then there were the cerebral remarks like, oh I see you are using the Jirkov opening from the 1920's. And I am thinking who the heck is Jirkov, and the way I pronounce it, it might be describing the guy across the table from me.
So I figured if he is going to play a textbook game, I might as well take him out of his game by forcing trades. He did not like that, but chess is war. Then he made a mistake and all of a sudden I realized I had him. My game plan had worked perfectly, but my clock ran out again and he won. Then he went on to win the whole tournament. Afterwards, he turned out to be a pretty good guy. We chatted for awhile and he congratulated me on giving him his toughest match.
Chess can be fun, but there is some gamesmanship involved. Here are some ways to really annoy your opponent:
Never move any piece once unless you have touched every other piece twice.
If you have a piece under attack, immediately put another so to confuse your opponent.
Bang your pieces down when you move, it intimidates your opponent.
Never resign, there is always a chance your opponent might drop dead before he checkmates you.
Always give a check when you can, it may be a mate. Anyhow, it is better to have checked and lost than never to have checked at all.
Stick to one textbook opening even if it is bad and you don't understand it. One day you will find someone who knows it even less than you do.
Castle, take en-passant, promote pawns to minor pieces whenever you can, it helps to create the impression that you have a deep knowledge.
Never think before you move. You can always retract your move, but your opponents must never be allowed to retract theirs.
If you can announce checkmate, do so and say nice game and walk away before your opponent has a chance to make sure.
Give away your pawns, they only get in the way and hamper your other pieces, and those of your opponents.
When you accidentally stumble upon a win, at once declare noisily that you played it that way.
While watching two other people play who you do not like, be a kibitzer, comment openly, even move the pieces on the board for them, they will not bug you anymore after that.
If you really want to f*ck up your opponent, show up wearing coke bottle glasses and false buck teeth, and practice the timing of your belches and farts. All is fair in chess and war.
I enjoyed learning chess when I was a kid, but had not played in awhile. One day while I was in the military, they posted a notice for a chess tournament, so I thought it might be fun to try it. It turned out to be what they called a Speed tournament, you had to make a certain amount of moves in a certain amount of time, otherwise the tournament would take forever due to those who play with the speed of a department store mannequin.
Not knowing what to expect, I envisioned a room full of nerds with thick glasses, because everybody knows they are really smart and good at chess, but when I got there I only saw regular GI's with fatigues, just like me. Then I got to meet my first opponent, who happened to be a nerdy looking guy with thick glasses. Where did he come from? Did he materialize out of thin air just to torment me? Already I was intimidated.
I had never used a chess clock before, so I kept forgetting to stop my clock after my move, so my time ran out. If your time runs out, you lose. Darn. My second opponent was wearing no glasses, so I figured I had a chance this time. This guy had the same problem I did, so neither one of us remembered to stop our clocks after our moves. Fortunately, his clock ran out before mine did. It was a good thing too because I was getting my butt kicked.
Then I had to play a guy whose personal hygiene was worse than Pigpen's. Every few seconds he would alternate belch or fart. Talk about distractions. I was tempted to fight fire with fire, but I feared the building would have to be evacuated. The distractions were too much to overcome, so rather than suffer death by asphyxiation, I let my clock run out.
My next opponent was one of these guys who could swagger while he was sitting down. Mr. Suave De Boner. He was so good he even remembered to stop his clock after every move. He was a large guy and a heavy breather. All during the game I felt like I was in the middle of an obscene phone call. Whenever he made a move he would smirk and glance at me, like why am I lowering myself to play a peasant like you? And then there were the cerebral remarks like, oh I see you are using the Jirkov opening from the 1920's. And I am thinking who the heck is Jirkov, and the way I pronounce it, it might be describing the guy across the table from me.
So I figured if he is going to play a textbook game, I might as well take him out of his game by forcing trades. He did not like that, but chess is war. Then he made a mistake and all of a sudden I realized I had him. My game plan had worked perfectly, but my clock ran out again and he won. Then he went on to win the whole tournament. Afterwards, he turned out to be a pretty good guy. We chatted for awhile and he congratulated me on giving him his toughest match.
Chess can be fun, but there is some gamesmanship involved. Here are some ways to really annoy your opponent:
Never move any piece once unless you have touched every other piece twice.
If you have a piece under attack, immediately put another so to confuse your opponent.
Bang your pieces down when you move, it intimidates your opponent.
Never resign, there is always a chance your opponent might drop dead before he checkmates you.
Always give a check when you can, it may be a mate. Anyhow, it is better to have checked and lost than never to have checked at all.
Stick to one textbook opening even if it is bad and you don't understand it. One day you will find someone who knows it even less than you do.
Castle, take en-passant, promote pawns to minor pieces whenever you can, it helps to create the impression that you have a deep knowledge.
Never think before you move. You can always retract your move, but your opponents must never be allowed to retract theirs.
If you can announce checkmate, do so and say nice game and walk away before your opponent has a chance to make sure.
Give away your pawns, they only get in the way and hamper your other pieces, and those of your opponents.
When you accidentally stumble upon a win, at once declare noisily that you played it that way.
While watching two other people play who you do not like, be a kibitzer, comment openly, even move the pieces on the board for them, they will not bug you anymore after that.
If you really want to f*ck up your opponent, show up wearing coke bottle glasses and false buck teeth, and practice the timing of your belches and farts. All is fair in chess and war.
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