Chess Is A Dog-Eat-Dog Game

I enjoyed learning chess when I was a kid, but had not played in awhile. One day while I was in the military, they posted a notice for a chess tournament, so I thought it might be fun to try it. It turned out to be what they called a Speed tournament, you had to make a certain amount of moves in a certain amount of time, otherwise the tournament would take forever due to those who play with the speed of a department store mannequin.

Not knowing what to expect, I envisioned a room full of nerds with thick glasses, because everybody knows they are really smart and good at chess, but when I got there I only saw regular GI's with fatigues, just like me. Then I got to meet my first opponent, who happened to be a nerdy looking guy with thick glasses. Where did he come from? Did he materialize out of thin air just to torment me? Already I was intimidated.

I had never used a chess clock before, so I kept forgetting to stop my clock after my move, so my time ran out. If your time runs out, you lose. Darn. My second opponent was wearing no glasses, so I figured I had a chance this time. This guy had the same problem I did, so neither one of us remembered to stop our clocks after our moves. Fortunately, his clock ran out before mine did. It was a good thing too because I was getting my butt kicked.

Then I had to play a guy whose personal hygiene was worse than Pigpen's. Every few seconds he would alternate belch or fart. Talk about distractions. I was tempted to fight fire with fire, but I feared the building would have to be evacuated. The distractions were too much to overcome, so rather than suffer death by asphyxiation, I let my clock run out.

My next opponent was one of these guys who could swagger while he was sitting down. Mr. Suave De Boner. He was so good he even remembered to stop his clock after every move. He was a large guy and a heavy breather. All during the game I felt like I was in the middle of an obscene phone call. Whenever he made a move he would smirk and glance at me, like why am I lowering myself to play a peasant like you? And then there were the cerebral remarks like, oh I see you are using the Jirkov opening from the 1920's. And I am thinking who the heck is Jirkov, and the way I pronounce it, it might be describing the guy across the table from me.

So I figured if he is going to play a textbook game, I might as well take him out of his game by forcing trades. He did not like that, but chess is war. Then he made a mistake and all of a sudden I realized I had him. My game plan had worked perfectly, but my clock ran out again and he won. Then he went on to win the whole tournament. Afterwards, he turned out to be a pretty good guy. We chatted for awhile and he congratulated me on giving him his toughest match.

Chess can be fun, but there is some gamesmanship involved. Here are some ways to really annoy your opponent:

Never move any piece once unless you have touched every other piece twice.

If you have a piece under attack, immediately put another so to confuse your opponent.

Bang your pieces down when you move, it intimidates your opponent.

Never resign, there is always a chance your opponent might drop dead before he checkmates you.

Always give a check when you can, it may be a mate. Anyhow, it is better to have checked and lost than never to have checked at all.

Stick to one textbook opening even if it is bad and you don't understand it. One day you will find someone who knows it even less than you do.

Castle, take en-passant, promote pawns to minor pieces whenever you can, it helps to create the impression that you have a deep knowledge.

Never think before you move. You can always retract your move, but your opponents must never be allowed to retract theirs.

If you can announce checkmate, do so and say nice game and walk away before your opponent has a chance to make sure.

Give away your pawns, they only get in the way and hamper your other pieces, and those of your opponents.

When you accidentally stumble upon a win, at once declare noisily that you played it that way.

While watching two other people play who you do not like, be a kibitzer, comment openly, even move the pieces on the board for them, they will not bug you anymore after that.

If you really want to f*ck up your opponent, show up wearing coke bottle glasses and false buck teeth, and practice the timing of your belches and farts. All is fair in chess and war.